


Sometimes the Universe is Kind

by DaniMeows



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Becho isn't a thing, Clarke Griffin Has PTSD - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, F/M, In fact all of season 5 is ignored, Madi Griffin doesn't exist, Post-Season/Series 04 AU, Suicide Attempt, au of their reunion, but Clarke's been alone for six years
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-20
Updated: 2018-08-25
Packaged: 2019-06-30 05:36:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,903
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15745335
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DaniMeows/pseuds/DaniMeows
Summary: The universe was cruel and never kind.It was a woman screaming.His heart stopped. He knew that voice.It sounded like Clarke but it couldn't be. Because Clarke was dead. He'd killed her. She'd burned to Ash and dust six years ago.“You’re all dead. I keep calling and hoping but you're all dead and I'm alone! I'm all alone!” The woman shouted.Her voice sounding even more like Clarke. He wanted to run forward. He wanted to run away. If it was Clarke he wanted the space between them to be non-existent as soon as possible. If it wasn't Clarke, his already broken heart would hurt worse. He wasn't sure he could take the disappointment.Aka a Season 5 au reunion with no Madi, no Becho and No Elgius...





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Au from the end of season 4 only there was no Madi, No Becho and Clarke is all alone on the planet. I originally intended a fluffy piece but instead the angst monster needed feeding.

*** **Clarke*****

At first, Clarke had only missed her mother, her friends,  _ her (no not hers never hers _ ) Bellamy but then she'd begun missing her enemies. The loneliness was so pervasive that even people trying to kill her would be better than this constant emptiness.

 

There was only silence unless she was talking into her ever present radio. There was never a response no matter how often she called hoping for his deep voice, there was only silence.

 

No matter how much she told him about her days. About the Earth coming, slowly, back to life. How she asked questions in the hopes of hearing her radio spark to life. There was only silence, just so much maddening silence and the echo of her words in her ears.

 

She never told him the words she feared or let him say it. But he knew. He had to know just how much she  _ cared  _ for him. Everyone else knew.

 

Her weakness was Bellamy, always had been. Because she loved him.

 

Everyone she loves dies. By not telling him, she’d hoped to spare him that fate.

 

She couldn't get to her mother and others buried underneath so much rubble in the bunker.

 

She couldn't reach the ark in space. She didn't even know if they had made it.

 

Were they dead? The Earth had been safe for more than a year but there had been no sign of every one or even anyone.

 

Hope, already a dwindling commodity, because just because she was  _ still _ breathing, didn't mean  _ he _ was, died.

 

“You’re all dead. I keep calling and hoping but you're all dead and I'm alone! I'm all alone!” She shouted.

 

She was sobbing. She readied her gun and prepared to join  _ him _ in death.

 

“I can't. I can't do this anymore! Why am I talking to you still? You're just a worthless radio, they are dead. That's why no one's coming! Bellamy is dead.”

 

She was weeping as she checked the radio. It landed in some grass and didn't break. Unlike her heart which was shattered into millions of pieces.

 

If she changed her mind, she could keep up her calls to no one.

 

She wouldn't change her mind. She was so tired of living alone. There was no one. Friend, stranger or enemy, there was no one but her above the ground.

Her and the ghosts that haunted her sleeping and waking hours. The nightmares, the emptiness, the things she could have done better so that more people survived, all of that haunted her day and night.

 

She pressed the cold metal to her temple and steeled her resolve.

 

She couldn't continue like this.

 

The only one still breathing.

 

Her finger was on the trigger.

 

She took a deep breath.

 

*****Bellamy*****

 

The thing on his face wasn't a smile but he tried.

 

Smiling wasn't familiar to him anymore. Not since he'd left Clarke behind to die.

 

In space, he'd watched the fire consume the planet and felt like it was consuming his heart and soul as well. But on Earth he was breathing the air she'd never breathe, walking on land her feet would never touch upon, his grief was worse, a more tangible pain in his body. A constant screaming pain of her name.

 

He'd never allowed himself to grieve her. Not like he wanted to.

 

She'd told him to use his head, would have wanted him to protect everyone, and he'd done his best. Forcing himself up and through the motions every day, when all he wanted to do was rage at the universe, for bringing such an amazing person into his life, the person who believed in him, and saw him and understood him and then ripping her away.

 

He'd loved her. He would have followed her anywhere, done anything for her. He'd never told her but she'd had to have known.

 

His co-leader, his best friend, his partner,

his… Clarke. No not his. Never his. That was the tragedy.

 

She'd referred to him as being all heart while referring to herself as all head but she'd been his heart.

 

The one to believe that he wasn't a monster. That he could be a good man and leader. The one who had always trusted him and believed in him.

 

And he'd left her behind to die. Had she known that sting of betrayal before the radiation and fire burned her up? Did she die hating him?

 

He didn't want to be back on the ground. He didn't want to be in space.

 

In his heart of hearts he wanted to be where Clarke was. In any form of afterlife or alternate universe as long as they were together.

 

She'd want him to go on, to look after the few of their people who remained. So he forced a terrible facsimile of a smile on his face and pretended to care.

 

There was noise in the distance. They headed towards it cautiously. They were a year and a half late, had his sister and the others in the bunker made it out?

 

Would they find a thriving society? Would they even fit in after this many years away. Maybe they wouldn't need him to be strong. Maybe they wouldn’t need him at all. Maybe he could set down this mantle of leadership and then he could go as far away as possible and grieve.

 

He could scream and rage at the world. That brought him his soulmate and then killed her. The world they'd been born into was dangerous and deadly. It had shaped Clarke into a warrior, taking away all sense of peace, then it kept on taking away their family and then it took her away.

 

The universe was cruel and never kind.

  
  


It was a woman screaming.

 

His heart stopped. He knew that voice.

 

It sounded like Clarke but it couldn't be. Because Clarke was dead. He'd killed her. She'd burned to Ash and dust six years ago.

 

“You’re all dead. I keep calling and hoping but you're all dead and I'm alone! I'm all alone!” The woman shouted.

 

Her voice sounding even more like Clarke. He wanted to run forward. He wanted to run away. If it was Clarke he wanted the space between them to be non-existent as soon as possible. If it wasn't Clarke, his already broken heart would hurt worse. He wasn't sure he could take the disappointment.

 

He inched closer with his friends.

 

“I can't. I can't do this anymore! Why am I talking to you still? You're just a worthless radio, they are dead. That's why no one's coming! Bellamy is dead!”

 

He took off running. Heart coming back to life even as it lodged in his throat.

 

It didn't just sound like Clarke. It was Clarke. A hurting and sad Clarke.

 

Alone for six years. He needed to reach her. He needed to see her face. He needed to hold her. To let her know she'd never be alone again.

 

He heard Murphy, Raven, Harper and Monty exhale. As they too realized, the miracle through the trees just ahead.

 

His heart lodged in his throat and his breath was stolen away at the sight before him.

 

For the first time in six years, Clarke was in front of him.

 

Pointing a gun at her head. Sobbing and facing away from him.

 

His heart was alive, right in front of him, but ready to take her own life. Having given up hope, just as he returned home. The universe was crueler than he'd thought.

 

“Clarke,” he choked out, “no.”

 

He didn't dare move closer. Attempting to knock the gun out of her hand would just lead to it firing.

 

“Bellamy hallucination again?” She murmured.

 

“Please go away!” She shouted.

 

Her voice got softer and pleading as he slowly walked towards her.

 

“You're not real, you're not real. He's dead. If he was still alive he would have been down a year and a half ago… you're not real. You're never real.” Her voice was full of tears and tears leaked down her face.

 

Bellamy's heart broke. Clarke was going to kill herself. Clarke had hallucinations of him. Six years alone with only hallucinations that appeared? How could he help her? How could he keep this fragile miracle alive?

  
  


The others, including Echo and Emori we're stopped frozen in the distance. The four that knew her best and Emori looked terrified. Echo looked uninterested and uncaring.

 

“I'm real,” he choked out through the lump in his throat.“I'm really here, I promise…” his voice trailed off willing her to believe him.

 

“You always say that and then you fade away and I'm alone again,” she cried.

 

“I called you every day for six years and you never answered or came down,” she added.

 

“I just have to accept that you are,” her voice broke as she continued, “dead.”

 

“I'm here, Clarke, I'm right here. Just put the gun down and take my hand. I'm here, Princess, I promise,” tears dripped down his face, as he willed her to take the trembling hand he offered her.

 

She set the gun down and grabbed his hand.

 

“Bellamy,” she breathed in wonder, tears still streaming down her face, blue eyes bloodshot and red but still the most beautiful sight he'd ever seen.

 

She threw herself into his arms and clung to him tightly. Clinging to him like she'd never let go. He clung to her just as tightly. Momentarily considering spending the rest of his life literally tethered to her.

 

“You're real.” She breathed.

 

“You're alive,” they breathed together in harmony liked they had been once upon a time.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2:

 

*****Clarke*****

 

Conversation was stilted as they walked towards the region Clarke called home.

 

Bellamy clung to Clarke's hand, keeping her pressed against his side.

 

It was warm. It had been years since she'd felt anything but cold.

 

She knew she was probably more than a little damaged after six years of isolation.

 

And she cursed her own silence. It had been so easy talking to the radio but now that she was with them, it was like all words had vanished.

 

A terrible thought struck her and she stiffened. What if Bellamy was just clinging to her because he felt pity for her? What if it was out of some misplaced guilt for leaving her behind?

 

“Clarke,” he said, concern lacing his voice.

 

The concern in his voice eased her. The banter he’d shared with the others. The way she’d felt like an outsider even while reuniting with her friends had made her wonder if she was still a part of the group.

 

But his voice was still laced with same concern that would lace his words sometimes when she’d been injured or was so busy tending to someone or something that she’d forgotten to eat.

 

He was still Bellamy. Still her friend.

 

He was here. Alive and with her.

 

Her hallucinations had never taken on a physical form, had never been warm and had never lasted this long.

 

‘I should talk to someone,’ she thought. ‘I should talk to Bellamy about it.’ 

 

Part of her feared talking though because it meant opening herself up far more than she usually did and she knew Bellamy would likely blame himself.

 

Out of all of them, even the ones still in the bunker, now that there was more than just her, they could get them all out, but out of all of them, Bellamy was still the only one she could see talking about her pain.

 

It was the reason she’d radioed him every day. He wouldn’t use her vulnerability against her nor would he think her weak for feeling too much.

 

Obviously, having seen her nearly commit suicide, they knew she was messed up. She didn’t know if they knew just how bad off she was though.

 

Six years with no one for companionship was really bad on the psyche.

 

He’d stopped and was looking at her. The others had apparently kept walking towards her home because it was just the two of them.

 

She realized she’d forgotten to answer. While debating with herself on if she’d wanted to talk.

 

His eyes were piercing her as he said her name again to get her attention.

 

“I’m….” she paused for a moment trying to decide on a word. Broken, damaged, lost…. None of them seemed to fit. 

 

But she didn’t know if she could bring herself to lie to him with his brown eyes looking at her like that, with his hands clinging to her like they were or the concerned expression on his face.

 

She couldn’t just tell him that she was fine. It’d be a lie. They would both know it. And it would hurt him if she tried it.

 

“Coping,” she went with. It seemed like a safe answer. They needed to get everyone settled in her home and figure out a way to get the others out of the bunker.

 

Then she could break down. Until then she had to be strong.

 

Dinner was awkward. She had no idea what to say. The conversation was too loud. It had been years since she’d heard anyone’s voice but her own.

 

And this was just a few people, what was she going to do when the bunker opened. She’d have to run away and become a hermit.

 

But then Bellamy would hate her again for running away again. She couldn’t leave him. But how could she make him understand that even now when there are several people on this planet again and she wasn’t alone something she’d longed for every day during the last six years there was too much noise and intensity.

 

She did smile and laugh at Murphy’s over the top gratitude to be fed non algae food. It was just a fish from the river.  Then again if she’d had to eat algae for the past six years she’d be grateful too.

She didn’t mention that the good food had taken a while to come back and that for the first few weeks she’d subsisted on almost nothing.

 

Clarke didn’t want guilt, she wanted things to be normal again.

 

When it was dark, she pointed to the cottage she called her own and took her leave.

 

Bellamy followed her and she showed him to the spare bedroom. She’d hoped when he followed her that they could have a conversation together but he was silent and aloof. Not that she was much better.

 

Part of her pointed out that she was being just as silent and that she too could try and breach the gap of silence between them but she didn’t know what to say.

 

Unlike the silence she’d grown familiar with over the last six years this one was uncomfortable. She didn’t want things to be uncomfortable she wanted to feel like she was home.

 

Talking on the radio to him hadn’t felt like this. Maybe because she’d known that he wasn’t on the other line. The conversations she’d had with her hallucinations had been similar.

 

She wanted to talk. She wanted to feel like she was home. He’d always been more her home than anywhere or anyone else.

 

Why couldn’t she speak? She was frustrated with herself as she went into her room to sleep.

 

Exhausted from being over emotional, she quickly drifted off to dreams.

 

Her dreams were the opposite of restful.

 

_ She was burning. Fire everywhere. The planet was burning, everything hurt she wanted to die. She was burning alive. They’d left her behind. They’d had to in order to live. It was worth dying if they made it. If he made it. It was worth it. _

 

_ Bits of ship fell onto her as the ship was suddenly around her their dead bodies laying around her. _

 

_ They were all dead. It was her fault she’d failed them. Just like she’d failed her father, Wells, Finn, Lexa, Jasper… just like she’d always fail the people that matter. _

 

She came back from her nightmare with a sore throat from her screams, pressed against Bellamy’s chest.

 

“I’m not okay,” she cried as she nuzzled into his neck to cry, an acknowledgement and a plea for help all at once. “I’m not okay....”

 

*****Bellamy*****

 

Seconds after the realization that they were both alive. The others had interrupted and pulled Clarke from his arms so that they too could reunite with her.

 

Clarke looked overwhelmed as they hugged her and exclaimed over how great it was that she had survived. She looked almost panicked.

 

Before she’d begun to explain where her home was and where they could find shelter for the night before setting out to the bunker to see if they could get the debris off of it to let them all out.  Soon he’d have not only Clarke back but Octavia when he’d only expected that he’d meet one of them again.

 

For more times than he’d lost count of in the last few minutes, Bellamy felt gratitude and joy at the universe’s rare kindness. He was sure it would go back to kicking him in the teeth soon but for now he’d take the chance to rejoice in the glories of things going right. Clarke was still alive.  His sister was almost certainly alive and he wouldn’t have to look Abby in the eye and tell her that he’d failed to save her daughter, that he’d broken his promise not long after he’d made it.

 

As they’d started walking in the direction Clarke had indicated he’d first held onto her hand and when that wasn’t enough he’d pulled her into his side so they were walking together.

 

He needed her to be close. He knew they couldn’t spend the rest of their lives hugging and clinging to one another but now after six years of believing her to be lost, he needed her as close as possible, until he stopped believing this was an impossible dream.

 

That he’d wake up like he had so many nights in the ring, face pressed against the glass, viewing a burning planet. Alone with the knowledge that the woman he’d loved more than anyone was dead and that he’d never see her again.

 

He’d only realized how relaxed Clarke had gotten against his side as they’d walked when she’d suddenly stiffened against him.

 

“Clarke?” he asked. Unable to help the panic in his voice. What was wrong? Should he stop holding her? Did she want him to let go? Was it something else entirely.

 

She looked at him but she didn’t answer.  He let go a bit and noticed that her eyes weren’t focused on anything indicating that she was deep in thought and she’d seemed to relax a bit when he’d said her name.

 

The others could see the houses up ahead and headed towards them.  Leaving them behind.

 

“Clarke?” he called again. Hoping that she’d answer.

 

He needed her. He needed to know what was going on behind those blue eyes of hers.

 

“I’m…” she trailed off and he felt his heartbeat race. Was something wrong? Did she want him to go? Was she mad at him for leaving her behind to die? Did she want him out of her life.

 

“Coping.” She finished with.

 

Coping. Coping was good. But coping with what? Being in his presence? Seeing him again. Not being mad at him?

He wanted to talk to her further but he didn’t know how to say what he wanted to say. Part of him wanted to throw himself at her feet. To apologize for leaving her behind. To apologize for never suggesting that they fix the radio because they didn’t think there was anyone to hear. To apologize for all the times that she’d apparently called him that he’d never answered.

 

If he’d known that her voice awaited him on the other end. He would have fixed the damn radio himself if he’d had to and kept it near him to talk to him every damn day. He would have stayed glued to the damn radio every day for six years if he’d known he’d hear her voice.

 

Dinner was awkward. He could feel the others watching them. He didn’t know what to say. He could tell by how uncomfortable Clarke looked that maybe she didn’t know what to say either. She cracked a small smile and a made a mostly silent snort of laughter when Murphy rejoiced over the fact that they weren’t eating algae.

 

Monty took mock offense at this but then it tapered off into silence.

 

There were three houses already made and the others seperated into the other two as he trailed after her.

 

He still didn’t know what to say and wished he did. Conversation with Clarke had never been this difficult not even when he was furious at her and didn’t want to be near her while also wanting to be near her after she’d left him behind.

 

There were so many things left unsaid that he wanted to say. I love you was one of them but he didn’t know if that would be welcome. What if he said it and it made things worse because she didn’t feel that way about him and never had? Or even worse, what if he said it and she’d felt that way the last time he’d been with her just before he’d left her behind, but she didn’t feel that way now because he’d abandoned her to die?

 

He wanted to talk.

 

But he didn’t know how to start that conversation.

 

He laid down in the second bedroom, Clarke had pointed to and tried to quiet his mind so he could sleep.

 

He was most of the way awake when the whimpers started and he sprung out of bed. He couldn’t leave her to cry alone.

 

He’d nearly gotten to her bedroom when her cries became screams.

 

She was tossing turning and whimpering.

 

He grabbed her pressing her against him as she flailed for a moment before she woke up. She nestled against his neck and sobbed. 

 

“I’m not okay,” she kept whispering.

 

“I’m not okay either,” he whispered back as he held her while she cried.

 

He found himself talking… Telling her about pushing back his grief so that he could use his head. About leaving her behind. How it was the last thing he’d wanted to do.

 

“I’m proud of you for that,” she interrupted him. “If you’d stayed you all would have died.”

 

He didn’t detect any lies in that statement. Clarke was truly proud of him for leaving her behind to die.

 

He found himself crying as he held her.

 

She began to speak as well. Telling him about seeing the rocket go up, about burning, about the barren wasteland, about finding the valley… about being alone, calling him, about seeing hallucinations of him sometimes when the loneliness and the nightmares got too much.

 

His heart broke when she talked about how it was all too much for her.

 

“I’ll go with you, we’ll be hermits together,” he said with a slight smile.

 

He wanted to see her smile. Her smile, even when he denied that he even liked her, had always made him feel warm inside.

 

She gave him a smile, it wasn’t as bright as some of her past smiles and her eyes were waterey with her tears but it was a smile.

It was hope that things would get better.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unbetaed because otherwise I'd never submit this chapter. I really struggled with getting this one going. Hope y'all like it.


End file.
